No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
