My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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