you guys were way drunker than both of me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
