Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
