Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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