What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're like the curious george of whores
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
