remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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