Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How does it feel to date your dad?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
