My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
