I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
