is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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