you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
