I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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