i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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