I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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