K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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