i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I CAN MOONWALK!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
