day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
