I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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