why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
