when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She's the barista slut.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
