dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
