I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
