Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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