i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
