If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
