I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
