I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
