im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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