living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
