So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
