i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
