I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
