life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I understand Curling. That high.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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