Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
