whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
