just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Boobs speak an international language.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
