I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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