I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
