I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
