The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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