After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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