I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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