Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
