the condom got lost in my hair
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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