She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You dont lie about slip and slides
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
