i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
