i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
