that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
