I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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