Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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