I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
