I wish I only lived at night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
