Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
