I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
