i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
